Being younger than your years and Birthdays

As one goes through an annual event in something that I'll cover more as a report on the other blog it is as well to look at why from an outsiders point of view my life has a very different aspect to it and how sometimes I spark off conversations at other places and sites that were not my intent.
We build our lives around certain expectations for one another sometimes on the basis of what it is we are capable of achieving  and to which is seen as virtuous while in others it is more what we are used to and perhaps feel if you had it then you'd stay there.
This is fine and dandy because in a busy society the ability to engage with and require minimal support from other adults has clear advantages.
Advantages that in the normal course of events while you may feel a need for a break from what might be excess responsibility or being less able for a short period you'd never wish to trade down from.
For some of us it's very different because the first and most painful aspect of all this is you haven't and won't achieve anything like that full status because you don't have the capacity and mental capability to.
To the extent people attempt to treat you like them, actually you find the level of responsibility you are expected to carry goes beyond what you can do, you may stand there and frankly see the whole situation as less of adult to adult but very much one more like that of a child.
Indeed you actually have the need to be in that role and to be treated more as that because you cannot handle any further responsibility than one (and I might add with me even in my late teens the gulf between me and my peers was wide-they had to look after me as a younger child) so life is more frustrating than it need be because of those expectations so many of you have.
Thus to me, an event such as a birthday or christmas simply is what I'd of had when I was younger because regardless with all things that would of been in it and while obviously popular culture changes, the nature of what appeals doesn't because I remain in many respects that same child.
So if I play with a toy or as like today read my Paddington Bear story book that is perfectly in order for who I am and more sensible folk will understand that I am different and respect that including my need to treated differently.

Pre Christmas edition

Around this time of year I take a break as some of my oldest followers may recall for a few days from blogging, social media  and commentating on various sites cos in truth all of that is only possible from spare time and I'm busy dealing with face to face encounters and family events over Christmas which do take priority.
Christmas for me is a time of that child-like magic.

***HAPPY CHRISTMAS FOLKS!***

Check and replace

Seeing we're into the new year, I've been checking through my wardrobe for things that can be tossed away usually because over time they've gotten the worse for wear and given now how my life happens to be, it's all more functional stuff  a bit like rather college or school wear than high fashion.
Take my underwear for instance it's hard wearing, has a very close fit where you need it acting like draught excluders, and tends to be mainly of one colour to match my dresses and skirts. 
Seeing how some had gone I've replaced them by navy blue gym knickers which feel very snug on me and are very comfortable and unless it's really cold I tend to wear long socks rather than fashion tights which is yet another indication of the evolution of me over the time this blog started even if truthfully bits of it were always there mixed in.

Reading for me

Reading is something I do enjoy although it has to be said my reading age is like the rest of developmentally me at a more child-like one so I generally read junior fiction finding even many 'young adults' fiction goes very much over my head so it's not something you can fix by just looking the odd word up in your dictionary.
I do enjoy stories centred on home and school life finding then easy to empathize to and relate with.

I quite like this, a cartoon based on the Enid Blyton The Naughtiest Girl series where Elizabeth Allen is sent to a unique co-ed boarding school hating the very idea as she really dislikes structure being impulsive and given for saying just what she thinks.
What is so unique about this school is in many ways it's those very school children who set the rules and in effect discipline each other with the adults in the background for guidance, the idea being they'll learn to  be self disciplined more by co-opting it rather than being made to.

Being little

A lot has happened in my life since this blog was first established to the point it isn't recognizable as my life as lived anymore and it has been a struggle for me to keep a blog going that has not come out and talked about the biggest side of my life and what makes it different to yours.
I am what is called a 'little' something I have touched on on Angels because with you it got to the stage I just had to because I have the mindset of a person much younger than my years and very much child-like even though legally I'm a adult and generally adults are expected to meet such responsibilities as working or studying, paying your way in society. 
In general terms Littles and Middles notwithstanding what they need to do studying or at work, pursue hobbies and interests that  are routed very much in their own experiences in 'childhood'  coming from their 'Inner Child' often with the same intensity and passion that you'd think it was that' child' playing.
For me this thing is both routed in my severe disabilities and also in part therapeutic, making coping with life better for me. 
Sometimes you may play, draw or maybe colour by yourself or you may meet with others who share the same sense of being 'forever a child' in that sense be it around peoples own homes or by meeting up at venues which are often discrete.
For some it begins and ends with just 'the play' for others it may extend into dressing more like the age of the 'child within' while do so with say dresses that wouldn't be far removed  from that of a young girl at a party or play clothes like dungarees or for some school wear.
Getting back that 'child within' then if he or she comes out more in tune with Tweens or young Teens then personally I'd say the were an Adult (cos the law says so) Middle even if for some reason they still had a more classic little side which for I do, not least due to multiple disabilities some which do lead to learning and developmental ones around that point.
That is why I identify as a Middle rather as a Little (more younger age up to about 7 or 8) which doesn't mean I can't join in and play with littles at all it's that simplier there are other interest that aren't normally in there while we do share a need for oversight in our lives.

Fall update 2010

A lot of water has passed under the bridge since I started this blog in March 2006 and I mentioned how certain events in my life had impacted on me even talking at one site tentatively about part of my coping mechanism, finding and using the inner child me.

Part of this age regression is a coping mechanism being literally the child-like with vulnerabilities me working within what I can actually cope with rather than pushing so hard at appearing to act more grown up and sophisticated I am left to cope with what I can't with no support and guidance and part is coping with how the nervous breakdown affected me.  
I am wearing more child-like attire privately such as this jersey tunic as it helps to lift me more into that headspace and less likely to be 'read' as a fully grown up girl.
I am looking more at finding people who are more like me to explore it more so I get more from my life on terms that are truly appropriate for me although I will remain at the sites I have belonged for the last few years even if it feels I have to put a bag over my face when it comes to just being open about myself and  my own life beyond.

A bedroom for Caro

To be quite honest most of the designs and pictures I see for bedrooms really do nor interest me at all.

You see in my regressed world since what happened in 2006/7 this is really the sort of bedroom I want a twenty-first century girls one, less austere than the one I was brought up with but completely free from anything adult so I can just sleep and play in it which is helping me recover right now.

Going back

I have been very unwell for a period in connection with my role in a local authority for a period now and I have what is called 'Leave of absence' which means I need not attend any meetings although I will be kept up to date with anything important which given my role is  the next most important after the Clerk obviously does matter.
Put very simply I am going through a nervous breakdown, throwing things, walking pensively for ages ready to explode or bursting in tears crying for ages not just at home but at work who are trying to help me. I simply cannot cope with what I have been left to do, working all hours even losing part of my vacation to council business doing things others want but won't do themselves.

I feel I have hit the end of the road at least in so far as anything beyond work and family responsibility goes and more over it seems to me at least this attempt at trying to be more of a public grown up figure when in all honesty I'm more childlike.
Back then I knew very much who I was, what I was to do with support which to be frank I don't get anymore although I need it and there was a clear cut break between school time and free time.
While talking by email with the clerk, I decided to take a step backwards from now on and outside of work I'm going draw up a timetable like I had at school and ensure time outside of it won't be spent chained to the telephone and computer.
I have also decided to put together a school type uniform to wear when I'm not working, being at home as the kind of structure, routines and discipline of that era is what I badly need and this with more support from my folks is what I do need.
I just cannot cope with full on adult life.