Respecting yourself

 Sometimes we can be our worst critic with a constantly criticizing voice we hear in our heads that is never satisfied with our effort, always finding a reason why we could of done more or why someone else is always better than us.

It's easier in some way to silence the external critics, the so-called friends that just exist to always compare you with other, living through anyone that would let them than to deal with that internal critic.

Sometimes its influence is such we fail to even respond to a kind word or praise from others just shrugging our shoulders ignoring the testimony of others to our worth and the things we are good at.

Perhaps it is us who need to change?

Growing our way out

*Photo credits: Shropshire Star.

The week ends up on a different feel than when it started not least because in England and Wales people can go to garden centres to buy plants, seed, tools and the like for planting it home.

Planting things especially out of doors is acknowledged  as something that helps people who are prone to depression as they can care for and grow things of utility such as vegetables or of beauty such as plants and flowers deriving much satisfaction from it.

Admiring some big gardens with lots of things growing  has helped me stay more cheerful through this Covid-19 nightmare and now people can do more of that.

It also underpins people near me, like the local Nursery who had been struggling growing lots of things that no one could buy and inexplicably you could buy plants and flowers from supermarkets but not a garden centre which typically are less busy.

Some measures have had to be put in such as sanitizer for applying to hands and trollies, one way shopping systems to minimize people getting closer than the Social Distancing requirements and contactless card only payments coupled with online order for bigger orders that can be collected.

Judging by the overwhelming public reaction, this appears to be something that people feel matters.

Triggers and managing shared space

Sometimes real life events gets in the way of posting it may be that you're going to be away, you have bigger priorities at that moment  or and this does happen to me from time to time, there are things that bring back painful memories  that can  completely override your emotional sense that you are locked in that emotion.
Such 'Triggering' is very much for real where some item, topic, or event has an effect like a Trigger that causes you exhibit that behaviour and you may not realize it until minutes later just how it's effected you.
It's not that you don't like to see something or a group of people to discuss a certain topic or other to the point you really wish to prevent or shut down a discussion you don't agree with, which sadly sometimes people like me can be accused of.
Most of us accept you can't and wouldn't wish to prevent others exercising their rights to 'free speech' but rather where it's the case you know certain subjects do have an effect and you're in a space be it say in cafe or in a online chat room connected to a site that's not about the topic, is there anything wrong with recognizing it and not talking say around things like guns, forced sex and so on?
Are these topics that might in any event be better discussed by those with an interest elsewhere?
Is the appropriate response to a polite request to change the topic "It's my goddam right to free speech and I'll talk about what the hell I like here" or is it not the case while free speech as an excellent ideal, worth upholding it too is subject to some qualifications and even a degree of recognizing what you may have a perfect right to do doesn't necessary make it right to deploy it in each and every situation?
How hard is for to create spaces wherere most of us can feel 'safe' in?
It's also why I'm so loath to use online chatrooms where too many times people feel so detached from another emotionally, they refuse to even consider anyone elses needs.

Going back

I have been very unwell for a period in connection with my role in a local authority for a period now and I have what is called 'Leave of absence' which means I need not attend any meetings although I will be kept up to date with anything important which given my role is  the next most important after the Clerk obviously does matter.
Put very simply I am going through a nervous breakdown, throwing things, walking pensively for ages ready to explode or bursting in tears crying for ages not just at home but at work who are trying to help me. I simply cannot cope with what I have been left to do, working all hours even losing part of my vacation to council business doing things others want but won't do themselves.

I feel I have hit the end of the road at least in so far as anything beyond work and family responsibility goes and more over it seems to me at least this attempt at trying to be more of a public grown up figure when in all honesty I'm more childlike.
Back then I knew very much who I was, what I was to do with support which to be frank I don't get anymore although I need it and there was a clear cut break between school time and free time.
While talking by email with the clerk, I decided to take a step backwards from now on and outside of work I'm going draw up a timetable like I had at school and ensure time outside of it won't be spent chained to the telephone and computer.
I have also decided to put together a school type uniform to wear when I'm not working, being at home as the kind of structure, routines and discipline of that era is what I badly need and this with more support from my folks is what I do need.
I just cannot cope with full on adult life.