Wednesday, 27 September 2006

Going back

I have been very unwell for a period in connection with my role in a local authority for a period now and I have what is called 'Leave of absence' which means I need not attend any meetings although I will be kept up to date with anything important which given my role is  the next most important after the Clerk obviously does matter.
Put very simply I am going through a nervous breakdown, throwing things, walking pensively for ages ready to explode or bursting in tears crying for ages not just at home but at work who are trying to help me. I simply cannot cope with what I have been left to do, working all hours even losing part of my vacation to council business doing things others want but won't do themselves.

I feel I have hit the end of the road at least in so far as anything beyond work and family responsibility goes and more over it seems to me at least this attempt at trying to be more of a public grown up figure when in all honesty I'm more childlike.
Back then I knew very much who I was, what I was to do with support which to be frank I don't get anymore although I need it and there was a clear cut break between school time and free time.
While talking by email with the clerk, I decided to take a step backwards from now on and outside of work I'm going draw up a timetable like I had at school and ensure time outside of it won't be spent chained to the telephone and computer.
I have also decided to put together a school type uniform to wear when I'm not working, being at home as the kind of structure, routines and discipline of that era is what I badly need and this with more support from my folks is what I do need.
I just cannot cope with full on adult life.

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