Gearing up to a marker and just being me

 Things were different last year for a variety of reasons such as the period the year before where I was seriously ill had rather messed my head up, tending to forget things significantly worse than is usual for me given my short term memory issues.

This was impacted by my and Mom's covid infection at the end of year and her death that dominated to a large extent the whole period going into March which rather left traditional birthday arrangements really messed up as even the cards given nothing else much happened just melted into the many bereavement cards that took up much of the front room so it was in many ways a non event.

The other thing was the stresses and strains really took me backward to my most "littlest" side as your world seemed to no long appeared to be recognizable at the very time you needed that comforting sensation and associated emotions.

Things that had been bought to spend time away "more little" in 2022 spent more time on me in 2023 as I just felt more settled as that little and indeed when last week an Aunt called in, I was dressed very much as that little.

Sometimes it's best to be true to yourself and just let things be.

This year it well be marked closer in spirit to how it always was even if one face may not be at the table because life continues even as the loss is still felt but the drift over time more towards this life is just there, we talked about it in 2016, and if I still sit with my stuffies then so be it.

Survival for littles

 

It's been a topsy-turvy old week as in some ways as I remarked to the hairdresser you have a strong sense of deja vu to invoke the current phrase it all seems to be going in the wrong direction and even at the top their appears to be some confusion.

I may be subject to additional measures in a few weeks time as two councils feel being on the edge of areas with issues they need to clamp down on excessive social contact here and while nothing has been said, one usual social gathering I would suspect is off.

Still, look at it this way I can remain my little self in my dresses and shorts, reading books, playing with my plushies and for now continue to go to the park and just ride this all out more as a child just doing what I'm told.

I need not think that deeply around any of this not least as the scientists seem all over the place so cuddling my pet rabbit and a goodnight kiss is a much more comforting and that is all that matters to get though a day.

It's a lot better for my head to stay out of adult spaces altogether until this is all over

Yes this blogger has Learning Disabilities

It's right to leave some space when looking at online self diagnosis tools as conditions do overlap not least ADHD, Autism and Dyslexia but to be honest so much of that rings true with me so apart from not having diagnosed Autism because it presents in less stereotypical ways and I'm damn good at masking there's an over 90% chance I'm ADHD.

Just taking the last frame I often have that working or blogging to the point in I effect I throw a dice with options and just do something now rather than remain stuck weighing things up to the point actually I've achieved...nothing.

There's something deeply ironically in learning more about your disabilities and managing them from younger people when you're an adult little but in my day there was official denial, mislabelling and prejudice and if they did accept something it was mask, mask, mask.

Just coming out and saying "My name Is Jo and I have learning disabilities" is darn relief.

Being younger than your years and Birthdays

As one goes through an annual event in something that I'll cover more as a report on the other blog it is as well to look at why from an outsiders point of view my life has a very different aspect to it and how sometimes I spark off conversations at other places and sites that were not my intent.
We build our lives around certain expectations for one another sometimes on the basis of what it is we are capable of achieving  and to which is seen as virtuous while in others it is more what we are used to and perhaps feel if you had it then you'd stay there.
This is fine and dandy because in a busy society the ability to engage with and require minimal support from other adults has clear advantages.
Advantages that in the normal course of events while you may feel a need for a break from what might be excess responsibility or being less able for a short period you'd never wish to trade down from.
For some of us it's very different because the first and most painful aspect of all this is you haven't and won't achieve anything like that full status because you don't have the capacity and mental capability to.
To the extent people attempt to treat you like them, actually you find the level of responsibility you are expected to carry goes beyond what you can do, you may stand there and frankly see the whole situation as less of adult to adult but very much one more like that of a child.
Indeed you actually have the need to be in that role and to be treated more as that because you cannot handle any further responsibility than one (and I might add with me even in my late teens the gulf between me and my peers was wide-they had to look after me as a younger child) so life is more frustrating than it need be because of those expectations so many of you have.
Thus to me, an event such as a birthday or christmas simply is what I'd of had when I was younger because regardless with all things that would of been in it and while obviously popular culture changes, the nature of what appeals doesn't because I remain in many respects that same child.
So if I play with a toy or as like today read my Paddington Bear story book that is perfectly in order for who I am and more sensible folk will understand that I am different and respect that including my need to treated differently.